Honeymoon, Frustration & Radical Thinking

There are essentially 3 stages of this process:

People often start the Greenlight program in a honeymoon period. They are hopeful, excited, feel relief, open, etc. It is very much like being in a new relationship - gushy, lovey-dovey, leaves you likely to want to preach or testify. But that doesn't last forever. 

Then frustration enters the picture: eventually people begin to notice each other's imperfections, life challenges cause frustrations, and they might start wondering if they made the right choice. Break-up language is introduced. In making any type of behavioral changes you can experience feeling overwhelmed, angry, anxious, and like you have been sold a bill of goods. You start to think: this is too hard, I am not sure I can do this for that long, this isn't working for me, I can't imagine doing this forever. 

People often don't realize there is a third phase. They go from being very excited to giving up. 

If you push through the frustration, the next phase is acceptance. Or radical acceptance. It is about changing language and feelings. It is about getting to a place of feeling calm, being honest and realistic, about feeling empowered, and about being fluent. "This is frustrating, and these things annoy me, but this is really the best thing I have going." In terms of this program, the acceptance sounds like: this works for me. 

It is important to know and recognize your break-up language, and know that you are very likely to move back and forth through the stages. Being aware of where you are can help you get to where you want to be. 

Thought Records

(I wrote this post in March and never posted it.)

In my last post I mentioned that I would share a thought record that I found particularly helpful practice.

A few weeks ago Abigail had an ear infection in her left ear. We did a 10 day course of antibiotics and 10 days after that she had an infection in the other ear. We did another course of antibiotics, and about six days into it we noticed a significant decrease in her ability to hear. Where we thought she was being obstinate, she genuinely could not hear us. We went to the pediatrician and she explained that there was still fluid in the ear that had been infected first and that the second ear had gotten no better. She assured us that a stronger antibiotic would be effective at clearing up the ear infection and secondary hearing loss, but I could not get past this awful feeling that something more serious was going on.

So, I did a thought record with my therapist:
Step one: Lay out the facts: I am concerned about my daughter's hearing loss.
Step two: List the emotions you feel and the intensity of those emotions:

1. Anxious - 100%
2. Worried - 90%
3. Concerned - 90%
4. Frustrated - 75%
5. Sad - 95%
6. Confused - 90%

Step three: list the thoughts that made me feel these emotions (this part was really difficult for me. I am just not as aware of my thoughts as is necessary to do this well. The therapist talked me through the process and helped me figure out what the thoughts were, but it took awhile. The strategy is similar to trying to take dictation of your thoughts - no order, no filter.):

1. I am worried this is a permanent problem

2. I am concerned we aren't doing enough

3. I feel guilty that this is genetic

4. I worry about her future if this is an ongoing problem

5. I am sad to see her frustrated by the hearing struggle

6. This is the first major physical concern and it feels somehow that this perfect little bubble has been burst

7. I felt frustrated that I couldn't get an answer to the question about the sudden cause. 

Step four: look for distortions in each of the thoughts:

1. The distortion is fortune telling. I have no idea what the future will hold. But if I have the thought that it is going to be bad, it is only natural to feel anxious. So, remind myself that as much as I don't want to, I have to just wait and see. 

2. Here I should ask myself what I feel like I could be doing that I'm not. In this instance my gut reaction was that we should have seen the ENT already.  I am hung up on that. On the other hand I trust the doctor's assessment. The re-frame of this that was most helpful was: "I am probably not going to be comfortable until I am have seen the ENT." That is about tolerating the wait. 

3. I had no control over the genetics - I would never have chosen not to be a mother because of potential ear infections. There is a personalization happening there. The guilt is not effective. And a genetic link is not a cause. Just recognize the truth of it - we are responsible for how we parent. 

4. Same as #1. Tell yourself the truth. The emotional mind says, "Oh my god, my baby" and the rational mind says, "get it together." The truth is, "I am really concerned right now. I don't prefer to be this concerned, but I am. I am willing to do what it takes... etc."

5. Of course it is sad. Remind yourself that frustration is a normal part of childhood. Part of your job as a parent is teaching your child to manage frustration. 

6. The surgery solves the problem. And perfection does not exist.

7. You don't have to fully understand the problem to benefit from the solution, and perfectly laid out, logical causes are rare.

Part of the way that I function is that I need things to make sense to me in order to move forward. It was kind of a breakthrough to realize that what I have to become better at is just accepting that is my nature and learning to tolerate the the answers might not come, or might not come in a way that feels satisfactory, without letting it it paralyze me. I want to know the facts so I can be part of the solution, it just can't always happen that way. Takeaways: learn to tolerate the not knowing; validate your feelings - don't discount them; find the truth.

A looooong break

I have all but abandoned this blog in the last few months. I have manged to maintain/almost maintain my weight loss, but without the twice-weekly check-ins, I am falling back into some troubling thought patterns. So, here I am. I am going to re-read my blog posts and finish recapping my sessions. I know that there was one session that talked about stages of commitment to making life changes. I am pretty sure that one will be particularly helpful. 

So, here we go (again)! 

Morning Snacks

I have been having the same morning snacks for the last 7 weeks.

I eat one Fiber One bar. I really, really like them. The caramel & pretzel one is delicious.

     

and one apple.


It gets me through the morning!

Awareness: Part 2

I am behind in detailing me my progress! Our house has been full of colds, ear infections, and pink eye for the better part of a month. As a result I rescheduled my long session last week. So, two sessions to catch up on.

We spent the first part of my two-weeks-ago appointment reviewing the principles I learned in the session prior about finding absolute truth. It takes a lot of effort for me to find that level of truth. Here is on example:

I had a work-related lunch during which I was served this delicious looking cheesecake. It had chocolate and nuts and it sat there, taunting me. In my head I was saying things like, "I really shouldn't eat that cheesecake." Following the convention I learned before, I replaced the "shouldn't" with "don't want" and then evaluated the sentence for truth. "I don't want to eat the cheesecake," was false. I wanted it! The truth was (and it took some work for me to phrase it in a way that felt completely true):

I wanted to eat the cheesecake, and I decided that it didn't fit into my plan for the day.

I was tempted to use the word "but" where "and" is, but I remembered that saying "but" introduces a sort of contradiction. In the end, both parts of the sentence were true at the same time. Looking at the situation through that lens would have made it easier to sit at the same table with the cheesecake without fixating on it - I would have been able to move past it.

Then we moved on to the second part of the lesson on the awareness: thought records.

I have some experience in doing thought records in other CBT sessions, but they have always been a struggle for me. They work like this:
You recognize that any given situation is neutral.
Step 1: Lay out the facts
Step 2: List the emotions you feel and the intensity of those emotions
Step 3: List all of your thoughts - like dictation, just write.
Step 4: Look for cognitive distortions
Step 5: Reframe the thoughts to reflect the truth.

I am going to lay out a very specific example of how I used this in my next session.

Summary of week six: a good week, met my goals

Total weight loss: 22 lbs

Pre-baby jeans!

I am wearing my pre-baby jeans today. Celebrate!

What do you want? No, what do you REALLY want?

This week's session was... intense. The most intense I have had so far.

I talked in an earlier post about 'shoulds' vs. 'wants' (which my therapist was kind enough to preview for me during a week in which I was struggling with a related issue). Session six took that concept to the next level. Here is how it went:

I had two minutes (timed) to make a list of all of the 'should' statements I could think of related to my life. This was designed to be a dump - don't over-think it, don't worry if it is necessarily true or not, just write. I came up with 8 or 9 (it was a bit of a struggle to recognize them in my internal dialogue). Then I was asked to read the list of statements aloud very slowly and to think about how it made me feel. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it made me feel pressured and anxious.

Next, I was asked to change each statement by replacing the word 'should' or 'shouldn't' with 'want' or 'don't want,' and to read that list aloud. It was a little difficult not to change anything but the one word - as I was re-writing some of them felt untrue and I felt compelled to change them entirely. Then I read that list aloud and discovered that it left me feeling much calmer than the 'should' list. .

Step 3 was to look at each of the re-written statements and determine if they were true or false. In this case there was a very high bar for 'truth.' In order for a statement to be considered 'true' it had to be absolutely accurate and feel like a reflection of your genuine want.

Here is the least personal example from my exercise:

Should statement: I should be more organized
Want statement: I want to be more organized

When asked, I first said that my want statement was true, I do want to be more organized. But, when pressed, I began to realize that I don't actually want to be organized. What I want to is the result of things being organized. After a fair amount of searching, I finally discovered that what I genuinely meant was "I want to live in an environment that allows me to feel peaceful and relaxed."

This was a difficult process for me to wrap my head around. My therapist explained that I would know when I hit on the truth - that I would feel it in my chest and that I would have a picture of it in my head. I was skeptical, but found that it did actually feel different when I was able to work through a stream of consciousness to the very essence of what I authentically want. I kept trying combinations of words and she kept challenge me and then I would suddenly hit on something that just felt absolutely true. I was surprised by some of them. The more emotional the topic the harder the process was.

After re-writing all 8 or 9 of my 'want' statements to be the most accurate reflection of what I truly want, I read all of them aloud and found myself feeling surprisingly empowered. It was a great feeling. I still have the same number of things I am working toward, but they seem more manageable without the pressure that 'should' carries and the enormity that the more general 'want' implies.

I left the session feeling drained from the exercise but excited about using the skills I learned.

Summary of week five: a good week, met my goals

Total weight loss: 20 lbs

Chocolate therapy

After hemming and hawing about it for most of a meeting, I decided that having a Dove dark chocolate candy was worth the 2.6 grams of fat it brought with it. This was the message inside. Way to rob me of my enjoyment by making me think about using food as therapy.  Thanks, Dove!

Breakfast

I have been so caught up in writing about what I am learning (mostly so that I will be able to reference it) that I haven't talked at all about what I have been eating. Here is what I am eating for breakfast:

These Jimmy Dean sandwiches are delicious. I eat them a couple of times a week and really look forward to it. They are 8 grams of fat, so maybe on the higher end of the spectrum for a sandwich, but there is a lot of protein and I feel satisfied when I am done with it. Tip: keep the in the refrigerator, not the freezer. They are a bit better that way.

A banana a day. I love them.

Kashi GoLean cereal is something that has been in my pantry for years. Sometimes untouched for years. Ha. I like it, and I like the way I feel after I eat it, but it is no Cookie Crisp. I find it much better with a generous amount of cinnamon and blueberries. I eat it on the days that I am not eating those delicious sandwiches.
 

I am sure I will tire of these options eventually, but for now I am satisfied. And I am eating breakfast, which is an improvement. More on snacks, lunch, and dinner later.

Being better at being better

Session five was focused on 'better' as a a choice between the best and the worst food options, specifically when eating at restaurants.

Before we got to talking about that, we talked about menstrual cycles. (Sorry if this is TMI for some of you - I thought others might like to know.) I was on the third day of my period when I weighed in, and I had lost a tiny bit less weight this week than last. We worked out that there are two things at play:

1. Women need about 300 extra calories per day in the days before their periods. We have mental memories that might lead us toward specific foods (chocolate, salt, etc.) - hence my Mr. Goodbar last week. 
2. Women can have a water weight gain of a few pounds just before/during their cycle. 

On to restaurant talk:
We talked about the there being two choices people typically focus on when ordering from a menu: outer limits (whatever I want) and best (being "good"). We did an interesting exercise during which we talked about expectations:

When you look at a menu and choose an item that is closer to the "outer limits" (think chicken nachos), you expect that it will rate a 9 or a 10 on the oh-my-god-that-tastes-good scale. When you order from the "best" menu, you expect it to be disappointing - a 3 or a 4. When the food arrives the "outer limits" food is not usually as good as you expect, maybe a 6 or 7, while the "best" food is usually better than you expect, maybe a 6 or a 7. They are equally satisfying. And one has the added benefit of leaving you feeling better.

Somehow I forget this every time I sit in a restaurant chair. It's like I have never done it before.

Here are some interesting facts I learned about restaurant eating:

• The average American family eats out four times a week. (I can't even imagine that)
• A line cook typically puts one oz of oil in a pan before cooking your entree - that alone is 14 grams of fat.
• The Restaurant Association reports that 75% of people customize their meal.
• Chinese food restaurants in the U.S. have portion sizes that are 72% larger than Chinese restaurants in Paris. 
• Ask for things to be prepared "dry" (not in oil).
• Ask for things to be sauteèd in chicken stock.

We also talked through the spectrum of "willfullness" (saying "I never...," being angry about things you can't control) to "willingness" (doing what is necessary) and how important it is to go into eating situations being as willing as possible, and to find a restaurant that is also willing. Going to a restaurant that is unwilling to make substitutions won't help you meet your goals.

The summary is that "better = better," and the determination of "better" is made by asking two questions:

1. What do I want?
2. What is mathematically better

Using math to determine the "better" options is a good strategy for me. Looking at food objectively is refreshing.

Also helpful was this overview of how this process works:

Blissful ignorance -> Recognize there is a problem, don't know what to do about it -> try strategies using new information to fix the problem, fail -> find the right solution but don't want to do it -> know the right solution and are willing to do it. 

Behavioral experiments are the way to learn.

This story (originally in Chicken Soup for the Soul, and now taken from Huffington Post) was given as an example of managing behavioral experiments.

One of the best stories I've ever heard about "spilt milk" and the lessons of making a mess comes from a famous research scientist who made several very important medical breakthroughs. A newspaper reporter once asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?

He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother, which occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator, when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor--a veritable sea of milk! (Thankfully, no glass shattered, but the milk kept flowing out like a river.)

When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?"

Indeed, he did. After a few minutes his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up, and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel or a mop. What do you prefer?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.

His mother then said, "You know what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!

This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. They are simply that--just experiments to see what happens. Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it.

An interesting story, but I am not sure about the playing the milk... that just seems nuts.

Summary of week four: a good week, met my goals

Total weight loss: 17 lbs

Taco Pizza

I intended to have leftover tacos for lunch today. I stuck the taco-fixings in the microwave and unwrapped the tortillas to find that I accidentally brought a pizza crust. A couple of months ago I would have ordered a chicken sandwich from Cecil Whittakers, but today I dumped that taco mix on the pizza crust and stuck it in the toaster oven. Other than the fact that there was no cheese to hold it together at all, it was pretty good. And I feel good about eating what I brought - even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted.

A shame I don't have a picture - I left my phone in the car and it is 8 degrees. You will just have to use your imagination.

Mr. not-so-Goodbar

After eating all the food I had brought with me to work today I became fixated on wanting something chocolate. I could not stop thinking about it. I scrounged through my purse for change for the vending machine (my long, lost friend) and found myself standing in front of it weighing a number of terrible options.

What I really wanted was Peanut M&Ms. Peanut M&Ms are like crack for me. I could eat the sort of bag you use to fill a candy dispenser in one sitting and think nothing of it. Once I have one I just want more. So - I skipped the M&Ms and chose a delicious, peanut-filled Mr. Goodbar. It was $1.00 but I probably would have paid $100  for it in the moment. 

It was good. And 17 grams of fat. SEVENTEEN. That is bananas (34 bananas, actually).

Session four (part two) - super glue words

Super glue words are words that cause you to essentially get stuck in the sort of mindset that takes away your control. They aren't reflective of the truth, they rob you of a better understanding of what you are thinking, and eliminate flexibility.

Here is the list (along with some suggestions for replacement words):

never - it is absolute and untrue. (rarely, historically haven't)
always - same as above (usually, typically, historically have)
should - Reflects an outside pressure, not an internal desire (I want to, I wish I would have, I would have liked to)
good - this word is a moral judgement and is not an accurate descriptor (met goals, ate low fat, acting in a way I prefer)

bad - same as "good" (did not do what I preferred)
starving - it takes 3 weeks to start starving (hungry)

craving - there isn't really good research that we truly crave things Cravings are more likely mental associations (would like to have, want)
love - I love my husband and my kids, I do not love any food. (really like, enjoy, favorite)

hate - I do not have a vendetta against any food (don't like, don't prefer)
failure - as long as you are still living, you have not failed (struggles, slipped, mistake, learned)
cheating - cheating on your spouse (or your taxes) is not the same as eating a candy bar (did something you didn't prefer)

can't - you are capable, you choose not to (don't want to, would prefer not to, don't have the time)

need -  you need oxygen, water, etc. (want, really want)

The lesson is that these words do not belong in a conversation about food. They are emotional, they are black and white, and they don't express the actual truth. 

If you tell yourself that you are 'starving' you are likely to eat the very first food you come across. If you are 'hungry' you are more likely to think about what you want. If you tell yourself 'love' something you are going to have it - why would you not? If you 'like' something you retain control of making the decisions. Similarly, if you say you 'can't' do something (go to the grocery store, go to the gym) you won't. If you recognize that you can (but choose not to at that moment), you begin to think about it differently. 

I exaggerate in my speech nearly every time I open my mouth, so making these changes will be a challenge for me. I have been convinced that it is important so I am going to try. Plus, I love this sort of challenge. Bring it on.

Summary of week three: my hardest week so far, but feeling better by the end

Total weight loss: 13 lbs

Session four: bumps in the road

This week has been hard for me. I found myself over the weekend beginning to feel depressed and anxious in a way that I had not in a long time. By Monday I spent the evening in tears and Tuesday I was a disaster. Try as I might, I could not quite put my finger on the cause of the sudden low mood and sadness I was experiencing and I was feeling desperate by my Thursday therapy session.

The Greenlight program is structured for sure, so I was not sure how my therapist would react to my needing more emotional support than education. She was great. I explained that I was feeling depressed, having a lot of difficulty seeing things clearly, and that I felt out of control.

Here was her perspective (which helped me immediately):
People who are "thinkers" have a tendency to think their mood down. I had this general idea of when my mood took a turn for the worse - it was after a conversation that left me feeling insecure - but because my depression seemed more severe than would result form that conversation, I sort of disregarded it as the possible source. Instead, I kept subconsciously thinking through all of these sad things trying to figure out which of them was the cause of my sadness. As a result, I became more upset.

My therapist asked me to picture my mood as the elevator in a building that is ten stories. If you are on the top five floors you are more likely to have the ability to think clearly. If you have sunk below floor five you have lost some of that ability. Her suggestion: when you get to those lower levels get up and do something that will make you feel physically better. Take a walk. Listen to good music. Call a friend. Do something nice for someone. Get a cup of coffee. The physical act lifts your mood enough to allow you some perspective.

I also realized through this exercise that I have used food as the physical thing I do to make myself feel better for years. Not having that crutch anymore made me more vulnerable and I did not know how to operate in that environment.

There was a whole other part of this session about super glue words that I will write about soon, but this part was important enough that it deserved it's own post.

Shoulds and Wants and childrearing

I had a short session with my therapist today in which we talked about 'shoulds' vs. 'wants' in a way that was both interesting and overwhelming.

Here is my illustration of what she described.

What it means is that during childhood we are our authentic selves. We are not yet subject to society's (or family's) pressures or expectations. We do what we want, we say what we want. Sometime around age 10-12 (at least for girls) there is a split at which people are told that what they want is not what they should have and that what they should have is not what they want. Kids start to do what they "should," when they would be much happier listening to their authentic selves. The 'wants' and the 'shoulds' belong together.

Research shows that there are five things that people think girls "should" be: popular, pretty, thin, "nice," and smart. Girls either try to meet these expectations, or they buck them and are instead: counter-cultural, they partake in whatever is the opposite of that society deems "pretty" (i.e., they get tattoos or piercings); pay no attention to their physical health, are blunt, and street smart.

Most of out core beliefs as women are based on one of those five things. You don't say what you want to so that you are not thought rude. You don't do what you want to because of how you think it will look.

In actuality, we probably don't want to be popular, we want to be well-respected or well thought of. Being popular is exhausting. We don't want to be pretty, we want to feel attractive. We don't want to be thin as much as we want to be strong and healthy.

I have been thinking a lot about this as it relates to raising my baby girls. Encouraging them to listen to themselves will be more of a priority for me than it has been. Hopefully I will remember this when they are reaching that critical pre-teen stage.

The Christmas party

This weekend was the last of our holiday parties. I was nervous about what I was going to eat because most things people were bringing were mayonnaise-laden and delicious. And because we tend to hang out for 8 or 9 hours, there are often several round of eating.

I got some advice from my therapist that was really helpful:

First, she suggested that I look at the eating as courses. I brought a big salad (which I really wanted) and ate a plate of it first. An hour or so later I went for a "dinner" plate and made sure my plate looked balanced. Not having a little bit of everything, but instead picking the carbohydrate I wanted the most, the protein I wanted the most, and then fruit. It allowed me to integrate with everyone else without feeling out of control. When people went back for dessert I ate a snack that I had brought with me. It was pretty successful!

I also sat down while I ate. That helped me be more mindful about what I was doing.

All of that anxiety for nothing!

Starting to think about thinking

This week begins the part of the program that I am looking forward to most: starting to look at the way I think about food and how to manage those thoughts. Awareness.

We started by talking about automatic thoughts. The thoughts that you have automatically, and that are based in part on past experience, and that lead to feelings (or potentially physical sensations) and eventually to actions. The idea that we have the ability to pause that process - that is, to have a thought, feel a feeling and then take a beat before acting, is both obvious and sort of life-altering. In my life I rarely stop to consider the consequences of my food-related actions that way that I do other actions. It has become automated. Learning to manage that process differently could really make a huge difference. 

So, as a check on my automatic thoughts, I will check them against two criteria: Is the thought true? Is what I'm thinking helpful? As someone who has had cognitive behavioral therapy in the past, this is not a new concept to me, but it is an important one. I needed the reminder that I make all sorts of assumptions about things that influence my decision making. It was also a good reminder that I suffer all sort of cognitive distortions. Especially when it comes to food and dieting.

I also realize that I bypass listening to my internal dialogue when it comes to food. It is not as if I dismiss it (which I suppose I used to), at this point I think I just ignore that it is happening. My counselor explained that the brain essentially "powers down" when a person is engaging in habits. There is research that says that when we see certain cues (like a bag of potato chips) we act automatically (by eating it) and can often come out on the other side without really remembering the act of eating all the chips.

Cognitive distortions are really just a string of negative thoughts that lead to negative feelings/behaviors. If you think something often enough you begin to believe it. There are a few cognitive distortions that I am particularly prone to:

All or nothing thinking: This is black and white thinking. If you are not perfect you have failed. I have been saying this about nearly every aspect of my life for as long as I can remember. I just do not do well with moderation. I am either being careful about that I eat or I am eating a McChicken on my way home from dinner (and if I eat that McChicken I am likely to think I have blown the day anyway and just eat whatever I want.
The correction: Think in gray.

Overgeneralization: Seeing one negative event into a pattern - "I always get in the longest line." Do you really? Or do you just notice it when you are in the long line. The experience is not the rule.

Disqualifying the positive: I do this all the time. I will lose a bit of weight and feel good about it for a minute, but almost always immediately think about how much more there is to go. I do this with compliments, too. I am always quick to downplay whatever it is someone comments on, which is really doing them a disservice. If you don't accept the compliment you sort of require them to give a second compliment.

Jumping to conclusions - Mind reading: Assuming that people are thinking something in particular. There is no way to know what anyone else is thinking. Even those you know well. Let it go. You can't possibly know.

Catastrophizing: Striking out in your mind before you even get to bat. Jumping to the conclusion that even if things did go wrong, it would be a catastrophe.

Should statements: Using should statements to motivate yourself. The result is guilt. "Should" reflects someone else's expectation.
The correction: I wish I had/hadn't - reflects your wants

The goal: try to be more objective in your thinking. Get outside of the negative thought process.

Also interesting in this session was the idea that people who are not depressed tend to have a 1:1 ratio of negative to positive thoughts, where people who are depressed or anxious might have a 2:1 ratio. (I would have guessed that was like 20:1) Paying attention to automatic thoughts can really help.

Summary of week two: met goals, felt good, felt satisfied

Total weight loss: 8 lbs

Going shopping

I was equal parts looking forward to and dreading week two - grocery shopping. During this session the therapist and I toured the local Schnucks to look at the tons of products that fit a low-fat model of eating, and to talk about some pitfalls (read: peanut butter!). The dread came only from the idea of onlookers and passersby. Ridiculous really - I am not the sort of person to care much what others think - but I felt particularly self conscious.

It was a really helpful exercise and I learned a bunch of things that I was able to implement immediately. That said, as I was walking to my car this 60-something year old woman stopped me to say that she overheard much of the conversation I had been having in the store and she was glad I was taking positive steps to improve my life. I mean, I know she was not being malicious, but really? I said something unintelligible but kind sounding and rushed off to my car. What I wanted to say was "do you need help loading that carton of cigarettes into your trunk?

Here is a somewhat crude listing of the tips I picked up on this trip:

• Boars Head lunch meats – lower fat – including roast beef, turkey and ham. Great way to add protein to breakfast.
• Wedge cheese – many flavors. Laughing Cow and Sonoma Jack.
• Hummus – traditional vs. black bean hummus – Black bean is much better (1.5g v 5g!)!
• Salsa is much better than guacamole as a dip, but guacamole is a great spread.
• Pretzel thins - great harm reduction food (10g of fat in the entire bag – still 700 calories) – Bang for the buck!
• Laughing cow – french onion, queso, blue cheese, etc .
• (2 servings of pretzels and 2 wedges of cheese – 6g of fat 300 calorie snack)
• Fat free Feta, low-fat feta. Baybel
• USE A FINE GRATER TO GRATE CHEESE
• Buy the smallest fruit available. 90 calories is regular banana, 130 in larger
• Use fillers – peppers, zucchini, tomatoes, etc.
• COLORS MATTER. Each of them has their own antioxidants and biochemical. Eat across the color spectrum
• Veggie turkey, boca burgers, etc.
• Seafood – white fish or salmon. Start with Tilapia.
• PB2 peanut butter – try it? – dehydrated and added butter. 1tbls is 1.5 g of fat; very low calories – also make it in chocolate.
• Bagels – mini bagels are the size regular bagels in the past. The minis come in pretzel, too!
• Bread – Sara Lee 45 calorie, though the bread we buy is fine. Avg. bread is 100 calories per slice.
• Hormel 98% fat free chili (over a baked potato)
• Tuna creations (little bit of a light mayo)
• Dressings: Kraft light dressings & Hendricks
• Prepared frozen? Fish
• Side –make without oil and butter. Tastes just as good
• Use lots of spice packets – gillers, crockpots, etc. Use the oil as directed, tenderizes the meat
• Tacos – anything is fine in moderation. Tortillas – buy the smaller!
• Chef Boyardee – 98% fat free
• Boboli pizza crusts – pepperoni – turkey! Not refrigerated.
• Soups, clearer the better.
• Lunch = 10-15g of fat
• Beans – will not bother you if you rinse them first. Black beans, kidney beans.
• Kansas city steak seasoning
• Low-fat baking: 2 egg whites = one egg (there is 5 grams of fat in each egg yolk, so you really get a savings); use applesauce instead of oil; with chocolate and spice cake – use one can of Libby’s pumpkin and a half of cup of water and back as directed. Make cupcakes, freeze them, warm in the microwave.
• Cereal – need fiber, sugar not the first ingredient, Try Fiber One raisan; Special K; more than 20 carbs is bad. Great grains – even if there is a lot of fat there is a trade-off because of the great nutrition
• Bars: oats & chocolate; Oats and peanut butter. You won’t really overeat them. If you do over do it, switch Fiber-one bar and then an apple, over and over. Chocolate brownie Fiber one and a piece of fruit is a great snack.
• Syrup – light, but compare.
• Buy 100 calorie pack, pringles experiment
• Buy smart mix of small chip bags for kids. Baked Cheetos, etc.
• Crackers – Special K wheat crackers. Laughing cow cheese and that is a great snack
• Use a Luna bar to determine if a bar is a candy bar or a protein bar. Start with Luna bars!
• Buy candy at the register. Eat it and be done with it. Peppermint patties, three musketeer bars, better options.
• Popcorn – 100 calorie pack. Better off buying smart pop, adding butter at home. Parmesan cheese.
• Nuts – non-salted, small packs.
• Ice cream – single serving slow churned, or slow churned; skinny cow ice cream bars – chocolate drizzle;
• WATCH FOR THINGS THAT SAY NO TRANS FAT - they are hiding something.
• Frozen fruit
• The redder the meat the lower the fat – get LOINS, stay away from chucks – loins and rounds: a lot less fat
• Breakfast sandwiches – Jimmy Dean Delights. 
• Spicy black bean burgers – morning star
• Frozen french fries are not as bad as you think.
• Lean Cuisine – paninis; bbq chicken pizza; marghetrita pizza
• Lloyds – on pizza? With smashed black beans; people rave about all of them.
• Dairy – yogurt, they make smaller sizes than the ones I wanted.
• Ultra thin cheese slices – one slice is okay, such low fat; 2% cheese is a great option
• Fat free cheese does not melt well, but low fat does. Fat free is great in salads.
• Pudding snack pack
• Sleep better it you have a little carbohydrate before better
• Butter – smart balance light.
• Spray butter is great for baked potatoes.
• Egg whites, egg beaters.

If I forget, someone remind me to tell you the 3 stories: the one about poison ivy, the one about arm-wrestling, and the one about Pringles.

Summary of the first week: met goals, felt good, felt satisfied

Weight loss: 4 lbs

Lifestyle vs. Diet

Heading into my first coaching session I was feeling good! I had successfully logged my meals in the intervening days and I was having no trouble staying well below the 65-grams-of-fat-per-day goal.

Coaching is short, about 30 minutes, and I have chosen to do mine at 8am on Mondays. Because I have evidently never met myself at 8am on a Monday morning. Ha. 

The primary take-away from this session was an important one. There is a huge difference between making a lifestyle change and starting a diet. There is diet language: fail/succeed, deprivation, calorie restriction, etc., that have no place in this program. Where you are either "on" or "off" a diet (and when you are off you are really off), Greenlight is designed to help you make changes that are permanent and comfortable. It is not someone else's plan - it is a plan you deign for yourself based on the information you learn. Instead of a light switch it is a dimmer switch. You can't fail. 

I will have to watch to be sure I don't use those dieting terms in my internal dialogue...

We also talked about the reasons for logging. There are 5 main reasons:

1. Fluency - you have to understand what you are talking about. Literally. And fluency leads to flexibility.
2. Accountability - you have to understand the impact of your choices on your goals.
3. Mindfullness - you have to be aware of what you are eating.
4. Consequential thinking - you can think through the choices and find the best deal - the best bang for the calorie/fat-buck.
5. De-catastrophization - a bad decision (or a bad day) is just that - it doesn't mean anything more than that. It certainly doesn't mean that you should scrap your good decision making until you choose to start over. There is no start or end to this program. 

The final take-away was a big one for me: try to judge an activity by how you feel when it is over. No one who is dreading exercise finds motivation while sitting on the couch. Put on your shoes, it gets you one step closer. Motivation builds. Look for progress, not perfection. 

Beginning with Biology

I was both eager and anxious to have my first Greenlight session. I felt motivated and intimidated, empowered and  powerless, and any number of other paradoxical emotions.

Each session begins with a simple weigh-in followed by the question "does that make sense to you." In this case I had maintained the weight I recorded at my assessment about a month prior, which I suppose made sense given that I had changed none of my behaviors and that I had been especially generous in my food choices leading up to my first session - after all, what if it was my last chance to have the foods I love the most?

We then moved into a conference room with a oft-used white board and a conference table and chairs. It was comfortable while at the same time reinforcing the idea that this process was going to be different than your typical sit-in-the-overstuffed-chair-and-talk model of counseling (a model I also love) - this was going to be about classroom-style teaching and learning. 

But if Cherie (the counselor) was serving as the teacher, she was the sort of teacher with whom you would stay in contact long after classes end. She made clear from the beginning that where I felt weakness she saw strength, and that she respected me as a person who has been fighting a battle (albeit without the best weapons). 

We started by looking at positive and negative aspects of weight-loss. At the outset I thought, "negative aspects, I doubt it," but as I was forced to consider the possibility, I realized that there are some downsides: Not being able to eat whatever I want! The expense of healthier food choices. The challenge of learning to think through food choices differently. No longer partaking in the delicious high-fat appetizers at happy hours. 

None of those was enough to dissuade me, but they did give me a more realistic outlook. 

Then we launched into biology. Here is what I learned:

• Everyone has a different number of fat cells. Those with more fat cells "hear" their hunger signals much "louder" than those with fewer. They are hungrier. Those born to parents who are overweight are born with more, and fat cells cannot go away. 
• Genetics make a difference, but environment can make a huge difference. 
• There are a variety of body types. Mine, type 'C', is particularly efficient at storing fat (which would have been fantastic if I lived at a time when I had to hunt my own food...). For instance, if I ate a 100 grams of fat my body might store 92 of those grams. Another person's body might store 10% fewer, which over time really adds up. 
• There are three things that successful weight controllers consistently do (this is based on research from the National Weight Control Registry):
• Eat a low-fat diet (30% or less of total calories are from fat)
• They log. They keep track of calories, or fat, or some aspect of their eating
• They exercise 
• If you are overweight (or at least if you are a type 'C' body), the balance between eating and exercise should be around 80/20. If you have greater capacity and overeat there are too many calories to burn off with reasonable amounts of exercise. 

Perhaps the most impactful part of the first session came from the discussion of the harm reduction principle that is the foundation of the Greenlight program. There are three components.

1. Perfection is the enemy of good. Learn to be good at good enough.
2.  One size doesn't fit all. 
3. Something is better than nothing. 

I felt as if those were written for me - not even just as it relates to food, as it relates to everything. The idea is to mitigate the harm. I will be thinking about that as I go to sleep.

Finally we talked about logging, which for this program means writing down what I eat and much fat it contains. No need to count calories or carbs (though it is important to be conscious of the calories). Oh, and I should note there are four loopholes to the low-fat foods-are-fine mantra: cereal, bread, sugary candy, and beverages. Those things are all low-fat, but the calories in them can add up quickly. 

So, I left my first session with homework: think about the positive and negative aspects of weight loss and start logging; and with two SMART goals: log 4 days (pencil and paper), and stay within my fat-gram goals on 2 of those 4 days. Seems pretty simple. So far so good. 

Getting Started and Coming to Terms With Terms

After a delay of more than a month, I have finally started the Greenlight Program. I have lots to say about the first session, but it dawns on me that I did not talk at all about the assessment session I had a few weeks ago.

At my initial consultation I was given a variety of patient information sheets to complete and bring back at my assessment appointment. Most of the forms were standard: personal medical history, family medical history, etc., but there was also an extensive section that dealt with personal relationships that forced me to think about the people I choose to include in my life and to evaluate them in terms of closeness and the positive/negative effect they had in my life. I really enjoyed being forced to objectively evaluate an otherwise emotionally driven set of choices. 

The assessment lasted a couple of hours and was pretty painless. There were some measurements taken, weight, blood pressure, etc., and then we sat down and went through my paperwork, pausing to discuss things that were unclear or particularly relevant, and then arriving at a diagnosis: Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Depression, and Eating Disorder, NOS with Binge-eating. 

The anxiety/depression disorders were not at all surprising - I had Web-MD diagnosed myself with those things a thousand times. The eating disorder was a harder pill to swallow. It sort of felt like a sucker punch. I mean, I have a lot of weight to lose so I obviously have disordered eating, but "eating disorder" always seemed to me like something that was dealt with by the star of an ABC Afterschool Special. I learned a lot about anorexia and bulimia growing up - someone suffered with one or the other of those things in every teenage drama - but no one talked about the disordered eating that happens at the other end of the spectrum. In some ways having a label makes me feel more in control - identify and define a problem and you can find a solution. In other ways it feels somewhat oppressive. 

I am going to work on coming to terms with the terms.  

More on week one shortly - it is exciting stuff. 

By way of introduction

I am going to take a guess that most of the people who will find their way to this blog will either be related to me or a close friend, but on the off chance you have found me all on your own, here are some details that might prove relevant.

I am a 31-year-old mother of two amazing girls ages 19 months and 3 1/2 years, I have been married for nearly 10 years (which makes me feel old), I work full time in development for a local non-profit, and I have struggled with weight and food-related issues since... well, since my earliest memories I guess.

After meeting with dietitians, personal trainers, medical doctors, therapists, and trying a number of weight-control and food-control programs on my own without any long-term success, I decided to try the Green Light program at Webster Wellness.

I chose this program for a few reasons:

• The focus seemed to be on teaching skills that would let me be in control of my own eating - no foods that are required or off-limits.
• There was a structure, which made me feel more confident that my time (and therefore my money) would be used well.
• The therapist who runs the program was the same person who did my initial consultation, which was important to me because I have tried therapists in the past with whom I was incompatible (and I learned a few things in that consultation!).
• There was room in the structure for fielding my specific issues.
• There was an option to partake in group or individual sessions. I can really see the benefit of either, but I was confident that I would prefer the individual track.
• I was told that no one who started the 10-week program had ever quit.

That said, there were a few things that made me nervous:

• At $2000, it is expensive (at least compared to my budget).
• It requires two sessions per week, one long session (a bit over an hour) and one short coaching session (about 30 minutes). With a full-time job and two small kids, that commitment felt like it might become unmanageable.
• I couldn't find any thorough online reviews of the program (hence my blog).

So, I will chronicle my ten-weeks of the program. Hopefully it will be a happy ten weeks filled with lots of lessons that leave me feeling healthier, happier, and more in control.