Shoulds and Wants and childrearing

I had a short session with my therapist today in which we talked about 'shoulds' vs. 'wants' in a way that was both interesting and overwhelming.

Here is my illustration of what she described.

What it means is that during childhood we are our authentic selves. We are not yet subject to society's (or family's) pressures or expectations. We do what we want, we say what we want. Sometime around age 10-12 (at least for girls) there is a split at which people are told that what they want is not what they should have and that what they should have is not what they want. Kids start to do what they "should," when they would be much happier listening to their authentic selves. The 'wants' and the 'shoulds' belong together.

Research shows that there are five things that people think girls "should" be: popular, pretty, thin, "nice," and smart. Girls either try to meet these expectations, or they buck them and are instead: counter-cultural, they partake in whatever is the opposite of that society deems "pretty" (i.e., they get tattoos or piercings); pay no attention to their physical health, are blunt, and street smart.

Most of out core beliefs as women are based on one of those five things. You don't say what you want to so that you are not thought rude. You don't do what you want to because of how you think it will look.

In actuality, we probably don't want to be popular, we want to be well-respected or well thought of. Being popular is exhausting. We don't want to be pretty, we want to feel attractive. We don't want to be thin as much as we want to be strong and healthy.

I have been thinking a lot about this as it relates to raising my baby girls. Encouraging them to listen to themselves will be more of a priority for me than it has been. Hopefully I will remember this when they are reaching that critical pre-teen stage.