Monday, February 17, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
What do you want? No, what do you REALLY want?
This week's session was... intense. The most intense I have had so far.
I talked in an earlier post about 'shoulds' vs. 'wants' (which my therapist was kind enough to preview for me during a week in which I was struggling with a related issue). Session six took that concept to the next level. Here is how it went:
I had two minutes (timed) to make a list of all of the 'should' statements I could think of related to my life. This was designed to be a dump - don't over-think it, don't worry if it is necessarily true or not, just write. I came up with 8 or 9 (it was a bit of a struggle to recognize them in my internal dialogue). Then I was asked to read the list of statements aloud very slowly and to think about how it made me feel. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it made me feel pressured and anxious.
Next, I was asked to change each statement by replacing the word 'should' or 'shouldn't' with 'want' or 'don't want,' and to read that list aloud. It was a little difficult not to change anything but the one word - as I was re-writing some of them felt untrue and I felt compelled to change them entirely. Then I read that list aloud and discovered that it left me feeling much calmer than the 'should' list. .
Step 3 was to look at each of the re-written statements and determine if they were true or false. In this case there was a very high bar for 'truth.' In order for a statement to be considered 'true' it had to be absolutely accurate and feel like a reflection of your genuine want.
Here is the least personal example from my exercise:
Should statement: I should be more organized
Want statement: I want to be more organized
When asked, I first said that my want statement was true, I do want to be more organized. But, when pressed, I began to realize that I don't actually want to be organized. What I want to is the result of things being organized. After a fair amount of searching, I finally discovered that what I genuinely meant was "I want to live in an environment that allows me to feel peaceful and relaxed."
This was a difficult process for me to wrap my head around. My therapist explained that I would know when I hit on the truth - that I would feel it in my chest and that I would have a picture of it in my head. I was skeptical, but found that it did actually feel different when I was able to work through a stream of consciousness to the very essence of what I authentically want. I kept trying combinations of words and she kept challenge me and then I would suddenly hit on something that just felt absolutely true. I was surprised by some of them. The more emotional the topic the harder the process was.
After re-writing all 8 or 9 of my 'want' statements to be the most accurate reflection of what I truly want, I read all of them aloud and found myself feeling surprisingly empowered. It was a great feeling. I still have the same number of things I am working toward, but they seem more manageable without the pressure that 'should' carries and the enormity that the more general 'want' implies.
I left the session feeling drained from the exercise but excited about using the skills I learned.
I talked in an earlier post about 'shoulds' vs. 'wants' (which my therapist was kind enough to preview for me during a week in which I was struggling with a related issue). Session six took that concept to the next level. Here is how it went:
I had two minutes (timed) to make a list of all of the 'should' statements I could think of related to my life. This was designed to be a dump - don't over-think it, don't worry if it is necessarily true or not, just write. I came up with 8 or 9 (it was a bit of a struggle to recognize them in my internal dialogue). Then I was asked to read the list of statements aloud very slowly and to think about how it made me feel. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it made me feel pressured and anxious.
Next, I was asked to change each statement by replacing the word 'should' or 'shouldn't' with 'want' or 'don't want,' and to read that list aloud. It was a little difficult not to change anything but the one word - as I was re-writing some of them felt untrue and I felt compelled to change them entirely. Then I read that list aloud and discovered that it left me feeling much calmer than the 'should' list. .
Step 3 was to look at each of the re-written statements and determine if they were true or false. In this case there was a very high bar for 'truth.' In order for a statement to be considered 'true' it had to be absolutely accurate and feel like a reflection of your genuine want.
Here is the least personal example from my exercise:
Should statement: I should be more organized
Want statement: I want to be more organized
When asked, I first said that my want statement was true, I do want to be more organized. But, when pressed, I began to realize that I don't actually want to be organized. What I want to is the result of things being organized. After a fair amount of searching, I finally discovered that what I genuinely meant was "I want to live in an environment that allows me to feel peaceful and relaxed."
This was a difficult process for me to wrap my head around. My therapist explained that I would know when I hit on the truth - that I would feel it in my chest and that I would have a picture of it in my head. I was skeptical, but found that it did actually feel different when I was able to work through a stream of consciousness to the very essence of what I authentically want. I kept trying combinations of words and she kept challenge me and then I would suddenly hit on something that just felt absolutely true. I was surprised by some of them. The more emotional the topic the harder the process was.
After re-writing all 8 or 9 of my 'want' statements to be the most accurate reflection of what I truly want, I read all of them aloud and found myself feeling surprisingly empowered. It was a great feeling. I still have the same number of things I am working toward, but they seem more manageable without the pressure that 'should' carries and the enormity that the more general 'want' implies.
I left the session feeling drained from the exercise but excited about using the skills I learned.
Summary of week five: a good week, met my goals
Total weight loss: 20 lbs
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Chocolate therapy
After hemming and hawing about it for most of a meeting, I decided that having a Dove dark chocolate candy was worth the 2.6 grams of fat it brought with it. This was the message inside. Way to rob me of my enjoyment by making me think about using food as therapy. Thanks, Dove!
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Breakfast
I have been so caught up in writing about what I am learning (mostly so that I will be able to reference it) that I haven't talked at all about what I have been eating. Here is what I am eating for breakfast:
These Jimmy Dean sandwiches are delicious. I eat them a couple of times a week and really look forward to it. They are 8 grams of fat, so maybe on the higher end of the spectrum for a sandwich, but there is a lot of protein and I feel satisfied when I am done with it. Tip: keep the in the refrigerator, not the freezer. They are a bit better that way.
A banana a day. I love them.
Kashi GoLean cereal is something that has been in my pantry for years. Sometimes untouched for years. Ha. I like it, and I like the way I feel after I eat it, but it is no Cookie Crisp. I find it much better with a generous amount of cinnamon and blueberries. I eat it on the days that I am not eating those delicious sandwiches.
I am sure I will tire of these options eventually, but for now I am satisfied. And I am eating breakfast, which is an improvement. More on snacks, lunch, and dinner later.
These Jimmy Dean sandwiches are delicious. I eat them a couple of times a week and really look forward to it. They are 8 grams of fat, so maybe on the higher end of the spectrum for a sandwich, but there is a lot of protein and I feel satisfied when I am done with it. Tip: keep the in the refrigerator, not the freezer. They are a bit better that way.
A banana a day. I love them.
Kashi GoLean cereal is something that has been in my pantry for years. Sometimes untouched for years. Ha. I like it, and I like the way I feel after I eat it, but it is no Cookie Crisp. I find it much better with a generous amount of cinnamon and blueberries. I eat it on the days that I am not eating those delicious sandwiches.
I am sure I will tire of these options eventually, but for now I am satisfied. And I am eating breakfast, which is an improvement. More on snacks, lunch, and dinner later.
Being better at being better
Session five was focused on 'better' as a a choice between the best and the worst food options, specifically when eating at restaurants.
Before we got to talking about that, we talked about menstrual cycles. (Sorry if this is TMI for some of you - I thought others might like to know.) I was on the third day of my period when I weighed in, and I had lost a tiny bit less weight this week than last. We worked out that there are two things at play:
On to restaurant talk:
We talked about the there being two choices people typically focus on when ordering from a menu: outer limits (whatever I want) and best (being "good"). We did an interesting exercise during which we talked about expectations:
When you look at a menu and choose an item that is closer to the "outer limits" (think chicken nachos), you expect that it will rate a 9 or a 10 on the oh-my-god-that-tastes-good scale. When you order from the "best" menu, you expect it to be disappointing - a 3 or a 4. When the food arrives the "outer limits" food is not usually as good as you expect, maybe a 6 or 7, while the "best" food is usually better than you expect, maybe a 6 or a 7. They are equally satisfying. And one has the added benefit of leaving you feeling better.
Somehow I forget this every time I sit in a restaurant chair. It's like I have never done it before.
Here are some interesting facts I learned about restaurant eating:
We also talked through the spectrum of "willfullness" (saying "I never...," being angry about things you can't control) to "willingness" (doing what is necessary) and how important it is to go into eating situations being as willing as possible, and to find a restaurant that is also willing. Going to a restaurant that is unwilling to make substitutions won't help you meet your goals.
The summary is that "better = better," and the determination of "better" is made by asking two questions:
Behavioral experiments are the way to learn.
This story (originally in Chicken Soup for the Soul, and now taken from Huffington Post) was given as an example of managing behavioral experiments.
Before we got to talking about that, we talked about menstrual cycles. (Sorry if this is TMI for some of you - I thought others might like to know.) I was on the third day of my period when I weighed in, and I had lost a tiny bit less weight this week than last. We worked out that there are two things at play:
- Women need about 300 extra calories per day in the days before their periods. We have mental memories that might lead us toward specific foods (chocolate, salt, etc.) - hence my Mr. Goodbar last week.
- Women can have a water weight gain of a few pounds just before/during their cycle.
On to restaurant talk:
We talked about the there being two choices people typically focus on when ordering from a menu: outer limits (whatever I want) and best (being "good"). We did an interesting exercise during which we talked about expectations:
When you look at a menu and choose an item that is closer to the "outer limits" (think chicken nachos), you expect that it will rate a 9 or a 10 on the oh-my-god-that-tastes-good scale. When you order from the "best" menu, you expect it to be disappointing - a 3 or a 4. When the food arrives the "outer limits" food is not usually as good as you expect, maybe a 6 or 7, while the "best" food is usually better than you expect, maybe a 6 or a 7. They are equally satisfying. And one has the added benefit of leaving you feeling better.
Somehow I forget this every time I sit in a restaurant chair. It's like I have never done it before.
Here are some interesting facts I learned about restaurant eating:
- The average American family eats out four times a week. (I can't even imagine that)
- A line cook typically puts one oz of oil in a pan before cooking your entree - that alone is 14 grams of fat.
- The Restaurant Association reports that 75% of people customize their meal.
- Chinese food restaurants in the U.S. have portion sizes that are 72% larger than Chinese restaurants in Paris.
- Ask for things to be prepared "dry" (not in oil).
- Ask for things to be sauteèd in chicken stock.
We also talked through the spectrum of "willfullness" (saying "I never...," being angry about things you can't control) to "willingness" (doing what is necessary) and how important it is to go into eating situations being as willing as possible, and to find a restaurant that is also willing. Going to a restaurant that is unwilling to make substitutions won't help you meet your goals.
The summary is that "better = better," and the determination of "better" is made by asking two questions:
- What do I want?
- What is mathematically better
Using math to determine the "better" options is a good strategy for me. Looking at food objectively is refreshing.
Also helpful was this overview of how this process works:
Blissful ignorance -> Recognize there is a problem, don't know what to do about it -> try strategies using new information to fix the problem, fail -> find the right solution but don't want to do it -> know the right solution and are willing to do it. Also helpful was this overview of how this process works:
Behavioral experiments are the way to learn.
This story (originally in Chicken Soup for the Soul, and now taken from Huffington Post) was given as an example of managing behavioral experiments.
One of the best stories I've ever heard about "spilt milk" and the lessons of making a mess comes from a famous research scientist who made several very important medical breakthroughs. A newspaper reporter once asked him why he thought he was able to be so much more creative than the average person. What set him so far apart from others?
He responded that, in his opinion, it all came from an experience with his mother, which occurred when he was about two years old. He had been trying to remove a bottle of milk from the refrigerator, when he lost his grip on the slippery bottle and it fell, spilling its contents all over the kitchen floor--a veritable sea of milk! (Thankfully, no glass shattered, but the milk kept flowing out like a river.)
When his mother came into the kitchen, instead of yelling at him, giving him a lecture, or punishing him, she said, "Robert, what a great and wonderful mess you have made! I have rarely seen such a huge puddle of milk. Well, the damage has already been done. Would you like to get down and play in the milk for a few minutes before we clean it up?"
Indeed, he did. After a few minutes his mother said, "You know, Robert, whenever you make a mess like this, eventually you have to clean it up, and restore everything to its proper order. So, how would you like to do that? We could use a sponge, a towel or a mop. What do you prefer?" He chose the sponge and together they cleaned up the spilled milk.
His mother then said, "You know what we have here is a failed experiment in how to effectively carry a big milk bottle with two tiny hands. Let's go out in the back yard and fill the bottle with water and see if you can discover a way to carry it without dropping it." The little boy learned that if he grasped the bottle at the top near the lip with both hands, he could carry it without dropping it. What a wonderful lesson!
This renowned scientist then remarked that it was at that moment he knew he didn't need to be afraid to make mistakes. Instead he learned that mistakes were just opportunities for learning something new, which is, after all, what scientific experiments are all about. They are simply that--just experiments to see what happens. Even if the experiment "doesn't work," we usually learn something valuable from it.
An interesting story, but I am not sure about the playing the milk... that just seems nuts.
Summary of week four: a good week, met my goals
Total weight loss: 17 lbs
Monday, February 10, 2014
Taco Pizza
I intended to have leftover tacos for lunch today. I stuck the taco-fixings in the microwave and unwrapped the tortillas to find that I accidentally brought a pizza crust. A couple of months ago I would have ordered a chicken sandwich from Cecil Whittakers, but today I dumped that taco mix on the pizza crust and stuck it in the toaster oven. Other than the fact that there was no cheese to hold it together at all, it was pretty good. And I feel good about eating what I brought - even if it wasn't exactly what I wanted.
A shame I don't have a picture - I left my phone in the car and it is 8 degrees. You will just have to use your imagination.
A shame I don't have a picture - I left my phone in the car and it is 8 degrees. You will just have to use your imagination.
Monday, February 3, 2014
Mr. not-so-Goodbar
After eating all the food I had brought with me to work today I became fixated on wanting something chocolate. I could not stop thinking about it. I scrounged through my purse for change for the vending machine (my long, lost friend) and found myself standing in front of it weighing a number of terrible options.
What I really wanted was Peanut M&Ms. Peanut M&Ms are like crack for me. I could eat the sort of bag you use to fill a candy dispenser in one sitting and think nothing of it. Once I have one I just want more. So - I skipped the M&Ms and chose a delicious, peanut-filled Mr. Goodbar. It was $1.00 but I probably would have paid $100 for it in the moment.
It was good. And 17 grams of fat. SEVENTEEN. That is bananas (34 bananas, actually).
Saturday, February 1, 2014
Session four (part two) - super glue words
Super glue words are words that cause you to essentially get stuck in the sort of mindset that takes away your control. They aren't reflective of the truth, they rob you of a better understanding of what you are thinking, and eliminate flexibility.
Here is the list (along with some suggestions for replacement words):
never - it is absolute and untrue. (rarely, historically haven't)
always - same as above (usually, typically, historically have)
should - Reflects an outside pressure, not an internal desire (I want to, I wish I would have, I would have liked to)
good - this word is a moral judgement and is not an accurate descriptor (met goals, ate low fat, acting in a way I prefer)
always - same as above (usually, typically, historically have)
should - Reflects an outside pressure, not an internal desire (I want to, I wish I would have, I would have liked to)
good - this word is a moral judgement and is not an accurate descriptor (met goals, ate low fat, acting in a way I prefer)
bad - same as "good" (did not do what I preferred)
starving - it takes 3 weeks to start starving (hungry)
starving - it takes 3 weeks to start starving (hungry)
craving - there isn't really good research that we truly crave things Cravings are more likely mental associations (would like to have, want)
love - I love my husband and my kids, I do not love any food. (really like, enjoy, favorite)
love - I love my husband and my kids, I do not love any food. (really like, enjoy, favorite)
hate - I do not have a vendetta against any food (don't like, don't prefer)
failure - as long as you are still living, you have not failed (struggles, slipped, mistake, learned)
cheating - cheating on your spouse (or your taxes) is not the same as eating a candy bar (did something you didn't prefer)
failure - as long as you are still living, you have not failed (struggles, slipped, mistake, learned)
cheating - cheating on your spouse (or your taxes) is not the same as eating a candy bar (did something you didn't prefer)
can't - you are capable, you choose not to (don't want to, would prefer not to, don't have the time)
need - you need oxygen, water, etc. (want, really want)
The lesson is that these words do not belong in a conversation about food. They are emotional, they are black and white, and they don't express the actual truth.
If you tell yourself that you are 'starving' you are likely to eat the very first food you come across. If you are 'hungry' you are more likely to think about what you want. If you tell yourself 'love' something you are going to have it - why would you not? If you 'like' something you retain control of making the decisions. Similarly, if you say you 'can't' do something (go to the grocery store, go to the gym) you won't. If you recognize that you can (but choose not to at that moment), you begin to think about it differently.
I exaggerate in my speech nearly every time I open my mouth, so making these changes will be a challenge for me. I have been convinced that it is important so I am going to try. Plus, I love this sort of challenge. Bring it on.
Summary of week three: my hardest week so far, but feeling better by the end
Total weight loss: 13 lbs
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)