Honeymoon, Frustration & Radical Thinking

There are essentially 3 stages of this process:

People often start the Greenlight program in a honeymoon period. They are hopeful, excited, feel relief, open, etc. It is very much like being in a new relationship - gushy, lovey-dovey, leaves you likely to want to preach or testify. But that doesn't last forever. 

Then frustration enters the picture: eventually people begin to notice each other's imperfections, life challenges cause frustrations, and they might start wondering if they made the right choice. Break-up language is introduced. In making any type of behavioral changes you can experience feeling overwhelmed, angry, anxious, and like you have been sold a bill of goods. You start to think: this is too hard, I am not sure I can do this for that long, this isn't working for me, I can't imagine doing this forever. 

People often don't realize there is a third phase. They go from being very excited to giving up. 

If you push through the frustration, the next phase is acceptance. Or radical acceptance. It is about changing language and feelings. It is about getting to a place of feeling calm, being honest and realistic, about feeling empowered, and about being fluent. "This is frustrating, and these things annoy me, but this is really the best thing I have going." In terms of this program, the acceptance sounds like: this works for me. 

It is important to know and recognize your break-up language, and know that you are very likely to move back and forth through the stages. Being aware of where you are can help you get to where you want to be. 

Thought Records

(I wrote this post in March and never posted it.)

In my last post I mentioned that I would share a thought record that I found particularly helpful practice.

A few weeks ago Abigail had an ear infection in her left ear. We did a 10 day course of antibiotics and 10 days after that she had an infection in the other ear. We did another course of antibiotics, and about six days into it we noticed a significant decrease in her ability to hear. Where we thought she was being obstinate, she genuinely could not hear us. We went to the pediatrician and she explained that there was still fluid in the ear that had been infected first and that the second ear had gotten no better. She assured us that a stronger antibiotic would be effective at clearing up the ear infection and secondary hearing loss, but I could not get past this awful feeling that something more serious was going on.

So, I did a thought record with my therapist:
Step one: Lay out the facts: I am concerned about my daughter's hearing loss.
Step two: List the emotions you feel and the intensity of those emotions:

1. Anxious - 100%
2. Worried - 90%
3. Concerned - 90%
4. Frustrated - 75%
5. Sad - 95%
6. Confused - 90%

Step three: list the thoughts that made me feel these emotions (this part was really difficult for me. I am just not as aware of my thoughts as is necessary to do this well. The therapist talked me through the process and helped me figure out what the thoughts were, but it took awhile. The strategy is similar to trying to take dictation of your thoughts - no order, no filter.):

1. I am worried this is a permanent problem

2. I am concerned we aren't doing enough

3. I feel guilty that this is genetic

4. I worry about her future if this is an ongoing problem

5. I am sad to see her frustrated by the hearing struggle

6. This is the first major physical concern and it feels somehow that this perfect little bubble has been burst

7. I felt frustrated that I couldn't get an answer to the question about the sudden cause. 

Step four: look for distortions in each of the thoughts:

1. The distortion is fortune telling. I have no idea what the future will hold. But if I have the thought that it is going to be bad, it is only natural to feel anxious. So, remind myself that as much as I don't want to, I have to just wait and see. 

2. Here I should ask myself what I feel like I could be doing that I'm not. In this instance my gut reaction was that we should have seen the ENT already.  I am hung up on that. On the other hand I trust the doctor's assessment. The re-frame of this that was most helpful was: "I am probably not going to be comfortable until I am have seen the ENT." That is about tolerating the wait. 

3. I had no control over the genetics - I would never have chosen not to be a mother because of potential ear infections. There is a personalization happening there. The guilt is not effective. And a genetic link is not a cause. Just recognize the truth of it - we are responsible for how we parent. 

4. Same as #1. Tell yourself the truth. The emotional mind says, "Oh my god, my baby" and the rational mind says, "get it together." The truth is, "I am really concerned right now. I don't prefer to be this concerned, but I am. I am willing to do what it takes... etc."

5. Of course it is sad. Remind yourself that frustration is a normal part of childhood. Part of your job as a parent is teaching your child to manage frustration. 

6. The surgery solves the problem. And perfection does not exist.

7. You don't have to fully understand the problem to benefit from the solution, and perfectly laid out, logical causes are rare.

Part of the way that I function is that I need things to make sense to me in order to move forward. It was kind of a breakthrough to realize that what I have to become better at is just accepting that is my nature and learning to tolerate the the answers might not come, or might not come in a way that feels satisfactory, without letting it it paralyze me. I want to know the facts so I can be part of the solution, it just can't always happen that way. Takeaways: learn to tolerate the not knowing; validate your feelings - don't discount them; find the truth.

A looooong break

I have all but abandoned this blog in the last few months. I have manged to maintain/almost maintain my weight loss, but without the twice-weekly check-ins, I am falling back into some troubling thought patterns. So, here I am. I am going to re-read my blog posts and finish recapping my sessions. I know that there was one session that talked about stages of commitment to making life changes. I am pretty sure that one will be particularly helpful. 

So, here we go (again)!