I talked in an earlier post about 'shoulds' vs. 'wants' (which my therapist was kind enough to preview for me during a week in which I was struggling with a related issue). Session six took that concept to the next level. Here is how it went:
I had two minutes (timed) to make a list of all of the 'should' statements I could think of related to my life. This was designed to be a dump - don't over-think it, don't worry if it is necessarily true or not, just write. I came up with 8 or 9 (it was a bit of a struggle to recognize them in my internal dialogue). Then I was asked to read the list of statements aloud very slowly and to think about how it made me feel. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it made me feel pressured and anxious.
Next, I was asked to change each statement by replacing the word 'should' or 'shouldn't' with 'want' or 'don't want,' and to read that list aloud. It was a little difficult not to change anything but the one word - as I was re-writing some of them felt untrue and I felt compelled to change them entirely. Then I read that list aloud and discovered that it left me feeling much calmer than the 'should' list. .
Step 3 was to look at each of the re-written statements and determine if they were true or false. In this case there was a very high bar for 'truth.' In order for a statement to be considered 'true' it had to be absolutely accurate and feel like a reflection of your genuine want.
Here is the least personal example from my exercise:
Should statement: I should be more organized
Want statement: I want to be more organized
When asked, I first said that my want statement was true, I do want to be more organized. But, when pressed, I began to realize that I don't actually want to be organized. What I want to is the result of things being organized. After a fair amount of searching, I finally discovered that what I genuinely meant was "I want to live in an environment that allows me to feel peaceful and relaxed."
This was a difficult process for me to wrap my head around. My therapist explained that I would know when I hit on the truth - that I would feel it in my chest and that I would have a picture of it in my head. I was skeptical, but found that it did actually feel different when I was able to work through a stream of consciousness to the very essence of what I authentically want. I kept trying combinations of words and she kept challenge me and then I would suddenly hit on something that just felt absolutely true. I was surprised by some of them. The more emotional the topic the harder the process was.
After re-writing all 8 or 9 of my 'want' statements to be the most accurate reflection of what I truly want, I read all of them aloud and found myself feeling surprisingly empowered. It was a great feeling. I still have the same number of things I am working toward, but they seem more manageable without the pressure that 'should' carries and the enormity that the more general 'want' implies.
I left the session feeling drained from the exercise but excited about using the skills I learned.
Summary of week five: a good week, met my goals
Total weight loss: 20 lbs
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